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Star wreck.

Audiences just haven't taken to the latest incarnation of "Star Trek," the way UPN hoped, so Sci-Fi Universe magazine's Haley Wood proposes these "Top Ten Ways to Save Voyager":

1. Have Janeway come out as a lesbian.
2. Have Chakotay come out as a lesbian.
3. Bring Heather Locklear on the show as Janeway's bitchy boss who creates a love triangle with Chakotay, buys the Voyager and makes life a living hell for everyone until the fifth season when she gets cancer, undergoes a radical character change, and the ratings plummet again, at which point you give her a multiple personality disorder, marry her to the Doctor, have her blow up the Voyager and come out as a lesbian.
4. Let Robert Picardo play every character (a la Patrick Stewart's "A Christmas Carol").
5. Change the name of the ship from "Voyager" to "The Mystery Machine."
6. Add a holo-novel in which two FBI agents solve supernatural crimes: one of them a good-looking believer and the other a sexy skeptic. And have the crew run this holo-novel every week.
7. Cut the special effects budget and resolve conflicts, not with costly space battles, but with a game of Twister.
8. To replace Kes, B'elanna creates a new holo-doctor to be played by George Clooney.
9. Change Janeway's title from "Captain" to "Warrior Princess."
10. Replace Tom Paris and Harry Kim with two new regular crew members: Ensign Itchy and Lieutenant Scratchy!