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The Joke Book
Top Ten Ways to Save Voyager
Audiences just haven't taken to the latest incarnation of "Star Trek," the
way UPN hoped, so Sci-Fi Universe magazine's Haley Wood proposes these
"Top Ten Ways to Save Voyager":
- Have Janeway come out as a lesbian.
- Have Chakotay come out as a lesbian.
- Bring Heather Locklear on the show as Janeway's bitchy boss who creates
a love triangle with Chakotay, buys the Voyager and makes life a living
hell for everyone until the fifth season when she gets cancer, undergoes a
radical character change, and the ratings plummet again, at which point
you give her a multiple personality disorder, marry her to the Doctor,
have her blow up the Voyager and come out as a lesbian.
- Let Robert Picardo play every character (a la Patrick Stewart's "A
- Change the name of the ship from "Voyager" to "The Mystery Machine."
- Add a holo-novel in which two FBI agents solve supernatural crimes: one
of them a good-looking believer and the other a sexy skeptic. And have the
crew run this holo-novel every week.
- Cut the special effects budget and resolve conflicts, not with costly
space battles, but with a game of Twister.
- To replace Kes, B'elanna creates a new holo-doctor to be played by
- Change Janeway's title from "Captain" to "Warrior Princess."
- Replace Tom Paris and Harry Kim with two new regular crew members:
Ensign Itchy and Lieutenant Scratchy!