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The Joke Book
George Carlin's warped thoughts!
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still
grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What's another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
A letter from Mom
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the newspaper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be
able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with
them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in,
pulled the chain, and I haven't seen them since. It only rained twice
this week, three days the first time, and four days this time. The coat
you wanted me to send to you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too
heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and
put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning.
I haven't found out whether it's a girl, or a boy, so I don't know if your
an Aunt or an Uncle.
Not much more news this time, write soon.
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-yr-old son ran up to
her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead sea gull lay
in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died
and went to heaven," she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in
the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear
blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows
off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and
makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the
empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again
inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right
mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed
to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone
to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."